|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Halloween was nothing special this year, Michael thought he had swine flu so I went to Manayunk and stayed there for the weekend to take care of him. He gave me cash and I went to Target to buy him orange juice, tissues, organic soups, ginger ale and some other things in true housewife style. I surprised him with a big bag of candy corn because we had to stay in on Halloween, cute underwear for me so it wasn't so terrible to lay in bed, and made the mistake of buying a thermometer, which he used probably twice an hour, every hour, all weekend.
He apologized for everything he's ever done to hurt me, and for not being head over heels in love with me anymore. He said we've progressed from that, and he's in love with me in a more stable, married way.
I'm not in a very good mood right now, I'm worn out. Be easy though, fuck it and fuck this and fuck him and fuck that.
My birthday is a day from yesterday, I want to go to Cancun or something. Or maybe just get a new wardrobe, and my car painted, and liposuction. Greeeeed. | | |
| facts
-i always keep gatorade in the basement fridge. always. light blue and purple. i need the electrolytes for my chest
-i'm fairly confident that my best friend and i have the same telepathic talents that twins sometimes have
-being a lil pot smoking housewife is my career goal. cooking, cleaning, keeping a beautiful home, taking care of someone that loves me, living a happy, simple life
-blonde, i miss you
-bach's flower essences. every morning.
-last night i had a nightmare that i got raped and when i woke up (in a panic) i realized that my underwear was gone, i have no recollection of taking it off
-i like that i'm left handed
-i hate my left hand though because i got a wart on my middle finger that won't go away even with medicine
-the other night i tried lobster for the first time at the melting pot with my mom, i think i overcooked it in the oil because it was really chewy and not delish
-my favorite tv shows are desperate housewives, king of the hill, entourage, and true blood.
-fuck i'm getting so fat it's shameful | | |
| A man walks
into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their
orders.
The
man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll
have the same,' says the ostrich..
A
short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man and the
ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries
and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the
same.'
Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.
This
becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the
waitress.
'No, this is Friday night,
so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says
the man.
'Same,' says the
ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the
order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress
cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,'
says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always
be there....'
'That's brilliant!'
says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!'
'That's
right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the
man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the
ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with
everything I say.' | | |
|
"I'm like sunlight, all-powerful, instantaneous and invisible, flowing effortlessly into the darkest corners of the universe."
| | |
|
